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Life Update I’m fkng Tired hahahahaπŸ˜ŽπŸ’―πŸ˜ŽπŸ’―πŸ˜ŽπŸ˜‚

I figured since my phone was dead I would actually get some writing done. I know that I have been bombarding my blog with Youtube and SoundCloud – and I actually do feel kind of bad about that. I haven’t been writing as much as I have been rapping, singing and doing my own music promos. I have been doing my best to try to find a happy median with it all. It is hard. I still work full time – still have a house to run – and the limitations I have been facing with my phone and lack of cable/internet at home has been surfacing. Things I do plan on changing but when you are on a limited budget certain non-essential items are just not a priority. I don’t consider cable or internet really a necessity – despite the fact that I run 9 different outlets, not including making music, from a MetroPcs phone and their unlimited service that includes hotspot.

Hey I make it work – but I am finding a frustration in the fact that it takes a lot longer when you are doing EVERYTHING from one battery hahaha – MY PHONE STAYS ON CHARGE lmao.
I mean we make due right? I mean after all – most consider a lot of this just really a hobby – although – the music – that – that would be a dream job. But I mean it’s A LOT of people’s. And a lot of people who carry not only experience – but grand talent. I, on the other hand, I am just a smart ass woman who has spent the last two years picking up the shattered pieces of the remains of multiple bad relationships. Combine that with my secret love for rapping poetry and bam – you have me hahaha.
People always say “it isn’t you” blah blah – bullshit when you go through a bad breakup. I will say – it was me. I mean after all – let’s really get to the real deal side of things – the only common denominator in the relationships – was me. Now I am a realist – and even about myself – so some self reflection is necessary.
Let me be real – I was unhappy with myself. This fake happiness that I lived – was only to ever be cured by that of a man, that in some way – I would never be whole if I didn’t have someone to love me. Well that is hog shit frfr. This insecurity, unhappiness within myself – this pours over into a relationship. Then add my OCD, and my independent, but attention needy, oh and of course my anxiety – ha – I AM A HANDFULL. I say that – but really – people like me are easy to deal with if you just do some real simple things. Pay attention to behaviors/moods – talk – and allow us to talk – without feeling defensive – and respect our space – and our OCD. If you know someone has OCD – don’t leave your shit strung through the house – OCD and anxiety hand in hand for almost all who have either/or.
The thing is I always liked fixer up men. You know, the ones that are broken, made me feel less broken. A crutch for a crutch and yet we both walking on broken legs.
Now listen, we are all broken in some way – to say that life hasn’t ever hit you hard, at least by your 30s – then well – you are special. For the rest of us though – that is a reality – we have all been hurt in some capacity. There is a difference though I would like to speak about. For a long time I thought my broken heart needed to be fixed by a man. I mean – that is what most of us think. When we have a failed relationship – we are quick to hop into the arms of another to “heal” from the last one. But really this isn’t what happens. What we do – is carry the pain from one relationship over into the next. We carry our fresh insecurities, our fresh pain, so we come into the relationship on the defensive.
Now there are times where this has worked for people – so for those that are reading this – and are like no – my significant other saved me – blah blah – hey I get it – and maybe they did – but most of the times – the savior is not a saint – just a different kind of demon. Hear me out though. Trust me – a few years ago – I would say the same thing.
We are going to continue the reference to a broken bone because it can give you a visual – and for some – maybe something to consider if and when you go through a separation. I think of breakups now like a broken bone. Say you break your arm – you aren’t going to go and lift weights the same day are you? We give our extremities more time to heal – then we do our souls. And really think about that for a minute. Our heart – our emotions – our thought control – our mindset – all things that get disrupted when a relationship comes to an end. And yet most people are back out on the market the same day – or hell sometimes in the same hour. I am guilty of this myself. I can’t speak about it if I haven’t been through it. I mean people do – but there is reality and then there is fiction.
These are the facts of my life – and I have accepted the things I have done. I am analytical though – and I have analyzed my life – a lot – over the past two years – and I know where I have went wrong.
I have been out there playing the game with a broken soul expecting a man to patch it -and yet – the answer was never any of them.
Unfortunately it was this last relationship that really did it in for me. No, not abusive, just an abusive liar. That it itself – is emotionally abusive – and I would never know the toll that would take it on me – until after I realized how much people really do lie. It was like a deep depressing thing for a while. I can’t tell you how many times I would ask a question just to hear what kind of response I was going to get. I always knew the answer before asking – but to just see the ability for someone to look at me in the eyes – swear on their everythings that they were telling the truth – it was just psychologically intriquing to me. No quilt, no remorse – just a retribution of anger for being “nosey and controlling”. Oh yea – I am controlling alright – you sticking your dipstick into my engine – yea I am old school – no secrets – no side chilling with your exes like it’s your Auntie. Like it was the weirdest shit – cause like after a while the shit didn’t even hurt – and like his ex used to text me with screenshots so like he never really got away with anything – and yet – I still stayed when I shouldn’t have. I often laughed the shit off – but like it leaves you feeling like what the hell??? Like I think back to some of the shit I stayed through – and really baby giirrrrlll what was I thinking????
The reality of that relationship though – reality about life – reality about standing alone to set myself out differently until my expectations are met. Not just my expectations in my future spouse but my expectations of myself.

I will no longer mold and bend to create the perfect spouse. I come now as is. And I won’t put up with negativity when it comes to my artistic side. I had a tendency to lay my desires in the artistic field to rest while in relationships – mainly because of negative feedback – but now – I watch and listen for that in the very beginning. My music is different – my art is different – I need someone that will be supportive of that – and genuine about it – otherwise I don’t want them in my life. My art is my outlet – and it is the only way for me to feel whole – and I am not just talking about the music – the cakes, the paintings – the crazy outfits – all of it.

Creating a happy life on my own has allowed me the chance to be happy – and accepting of myself. This has allowed me to understand what kind of relationship would actually make me happy – and some can say that I live in a fantasy world – well this world is better than accepting less than I deserve πŸ™‚ we happy here – someone will eventually want to come along for the ride.

Ryda

Right now my focus is my music. The overwhelming response on the music side – and the fact that I am picking up the beats pretty quick – I don’t know – I would love to see where this could take me. So i will continue to push it – cause I feel like I found my “thing” hahaha.
Till next time my lovelies
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